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Cerner Corporation CEO, Neal Patterson, Blasts Employees

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Below excerpts of an email from Cerner Corporations CEO, Neal Patterson, directed to his employees. It’s hilarious and staggering.

“We are getting less than 40 hours of work from a large number of our ‘employees.’ The parking lot is sparsely used at 8:00 a.m.; likewise at 5:00 p.m. As managers, you either do not know what your employees are doing; or you do not care… Hell will freeze over before this CEO implements another employee benefit in this culture. I am tabling the promotions until I am convinced that the ones being promoted are the solution, not the problem. If you are the problem, pack your bags. I think this parental type action SUCKS. However, what you are doing as managers, with this company makes me sick…Something is going to change. I am giving you two weeks to fix this. My measurement will be the parking lot. It should be substantially full at 7:30 a.m. and 6:30 p.m. The pizza man should show up at 7:30 p.m. to feed the starving teams working late…You have two weeks. Tick-tock.”

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Moral Dilemma

in Funny Stories

You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:   

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.   

2. An old friend who once saved your life.   

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.   

Which one would you choose to offer a ride too, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: ‘I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.’

Some might say that the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

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Seven Degrees of Blonde

in Funny Stories

(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)

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FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.

The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’

The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’

The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, .. I know ‘em all.’

A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?’

The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy. It’s W.’

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: ‘Is it mine?’

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, ‘That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.’

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on

the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his

dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I came home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’

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Chinese Sick Leave

in Funny Stories

(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)

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Hung Chow calls into work and says, ‘Hey, I no come work today. I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.’

The boss says, ‘You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything  better and I go to work. You try that.’   

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ‘I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house’

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The Irishman who Orders Three Beers

in Funny Stories

(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)

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An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers.”

“‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies. “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening — he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know — the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

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Hippo Eats Dwarf

in Funny Stories

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Hippo Eats Dwarf in freak Circus accident.

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Teatime Love Bite

in Funny Stories

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Teatime Love Bite

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The Sweetness of Married Life

in Funny Stories

(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)

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The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, ‘Honey I’m going to Hank’s Tavern to have a beer, I’ll be right back’.

‘Where are you going, Coochy Coo?’ asked the wife.

‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,’ he answered. ‘I’m going to have a beer.’

The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’ She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, Lollipop… But at the bar…. You know…they have frozen glasses… ‘

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, ‘You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?’ She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long.. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?’

‘You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?’ She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

‘But my sweet honey… At the bar… You know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’

‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SO NOT GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER! GOT IT, DUMBASS?’

And, they lived happily ever after.

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Husband or Cat? You choose

in Funny Pictures

(2 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)

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Who would you rather?

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How to Sell Toothbrushes by Little Johnny

in Funny Stories

(2 votes, average: 4.50 out of 5)

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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: ‘I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30,’ she said proudly. ‘My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.’

‘Very good,’ said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: ‘I sold magazines,’ she said. ‘I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.’

‘Very good, Jenny,’ said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.

‘$2,467,’ he said.

‘$2,467!’ cried the teacher. ‘What in the world were you selling?’

‘Toothbrushes,’ said Little Johnny.

‘Toothbrushes,’ echoed the teacher. ‘How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?’

‘I found the busiest corner in town,’ said Little Johnny. ‘I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like shit!’ Then I would say, ‘It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’

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← Previous Entries

funny story

Cerner Corporation CEO, Neal Patterson, Blasts Employees

Moral Dilemma

Seven Degrees of Blonde

Chinese Sick Leave

The Irishman who Orders Three Beers

Hippo Eats Dwarf

Teatime Love Bite

The Sweetness of Married Life

Husband or Cat? You choose

How to Sell Toothbrushes by Little Johnny

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